Clockwork Dream

Last night I had a dream where my body was no longer human.  Instead it was made up up of clockwork mechanisms.  But these clockwork mechanisms were broken.  I could function, barely, but I couldn't function properly.  This being approached me and said that if I fulfilled certain quests, then my body would be magically repaired.

I tried and tried to fulfill the quests the being set me, but always, I failed.  I failed because my broken clockwork body simply couldn't do what needed to be done.  I kept telling the being that because my body was broken, I couldn't do the quests properly, but the being just kept insisting that the only way to get my body repaired was to complete the quests.

I kept trying and kept trying, but eventually my body broke down so badly that I couldn't even try anymore, and I lay there broken and crying.

I woke up as the powers that be were lowering my broken body into a burning cauldron to reduce my parts back to molten metal.

Despite the rather cool steampunk imagery, this was not a pleasant dream.  My "real" body is broken and has been for some time.  I've been almost continually sick or injured for almost five years now.  Most recently, I tripped and fell while trying to fence off a part of my pasture where the septic system had imploded.  I fell on one welded wire fence panel while carrying another panel.  I landed on the panel I tripped over, and the panel I was carrying fell on top of me.

I ended up covered in deep bruises, with two sprained ankles and a broken kneecap.  Just a hairline fracture of the patella, but still...  I also re-damaged and/or damaged more severely the muscles in my right hip and leg which were still not completely healed from being thrown from my horse two years ago.  The broken tailbone that I received then, has also still not completely healed.  (And may never completely heal, from what I've read online.) 

Over the past five years, I've gained 20 pounds of weight, and I've lost the physical fitness that I had worked to maintain all my life.  Every time, I get well enough to start exercising again and begin to trim down and tone up, something else happens.  I get whiplash, I have to have abdominal surgery, I get thrown from my horse, I come down with pleurisy, I trip and break my knee.  It seems as if I will never be allowed to get healthy again.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being sick and injured and overweight and out of shape.

This dream is quite easy to understand in light of what's been going on in my life.  I just wish that it had had a happier ending.

Clockwork World by Vladimir Vitkovsky

When a Kid is Sick

When a kid is sick, most parents tend to pamper their kid. They'll bring them special treats and/or sit and read to them or just tuck them in securely and hold their hand. When it's time to eat, they'll cook foods that their kids like and if the kid is too sick to get out of bed, they will bring it to them and help them eat it in bed. Basically, they will try and make their kid feel better emotionally as well as physically. At least that's what I imagine.

When I would get sick, my mother wanted nothing to do with me. She would just leave me alone in my room. If she had actually taken me to the doctor and there was medicine that I was supposed to take, then she would bring that in and make sure I took it. But she wouldn't sit with me and tell me stories. She never brought me special treats. She never even brought me regular meals. If I wanted to eat, I had to get out of bed and come to the kitchen and eat whatever she had cooked. If I was too sick to come to the table or if I didn't want to eat what she had cooked (she cooked a lot of foods that I was allergic to), then I was out of luck.

I remember one time when I was in sixth or seventh grade, when I had some sort of fever, headache and body ache illness going on, that I went for three days without eating anything. My mother knew that I hadn't eaten anything. When I finally managed to come to the kitchen to eat, she commented on how many days it had been and that she had wondered how long it would take before I got over feeling sorry for myself and came out to eat something.