Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Knowing what's wrong with me doesn't really help me feel better.

I can feel my depression getting bad again.  Not as bad as it sometimes gets, but bad enough.  And I know that I have no real reason to be depressed.  I know that the way I feel is caused by some screwed up chemical reaction in my brain.  But knowing what is causing me to feel this way doesn't fix the way I feel, anymore than knowing that I have a broken leg fixes the broken leg.

I feel so helpless against this disease.  There is nothing that I can do to fix myself.  There is very little that can even mitigate the worst of it.  All I can do is endure.  And enduring is not really the same as living.  I wish I could live an ordinary life.  Actually, I wish that I could live an extraordinary life, but an ordinary life would be a vast improvement over the way I live now.

My depression makes me feel helpless and hopeless.  My anxiety makes me afraid to even try to change things, and my sleep disorder means that I feel even more alienated from humanity because I am so out of sync with the rest of the world.

So even though I know exactly what's wrong with me, I still can't fix it.  Even broken legs heal in time, but I am not healing.  I may actually be getting worse.  It's hard to tell.  I guess I just have to keep enduring until I can't endure any more. 

And this isn't even a particularly bad day.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Today is a bad day

Today is a bad day... a really bad day.  I keep trying to function normally, but all the time this huge fucking weight of depression is pressing me down, down, down.  I keep having suicidal thoughts.  And not just thoughts, impulses.  I keep wondering how hard it would be  to cut my neck deeply enough so that I would bleed out quickly and relatively painlessly.  I have pain pills and muscle relaxants from when I hurt my leg, and I wonder if those are strong enough that if I swallowed both bottles with a bottle of vodka, if that would put me out of my misery permanently.

The impulses ebb and flow.  Sometimes they are easier to resist.  Sometimes, I have to really struggle not to act out the thoughts in my head. 

I wonder if my husband and my very, very few friends would be better off without me.

I wonder when I'll stop wondering and take the steps to actually find out.

Maybe not today...

But maybe...

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Clockwork Dream

Last night I had a dream where my body was no longer human.  Instead it was made up up of clockwork mechanisms.  But these clockwork mechanisms were broken.  I could function, barely, but I couldn't function properly.  This being approached me and said that if I fulfilled certain quests, then my body would be magically repaired.

I tried and tried to fulfill the quests the being set me, but always, I failed.  I failed because my broken clockwork body simply couldn't do what needed to be done.  I kept telling the being that because my body was broken, I couldn't do the quests properly, but the being just kept insisting that the only way to get my body repaired was to complete the quests.

I kept trying and kept trying, but eventually my body broke down so badly that I couldn't even try anymore, and I lay there broken and crying.

I woke up as the powers that be were lowering my broken body into a burning cauldron to reduce my parts back to molten metal.

Despite the rather cool steampunk imagery, this was not a pleasant dream.  My "real" body is broken and has been for some time.  I've been almost continually sick or injured for almost five years now.  Most recently, I tripped and fell while trying to fence off a part of my pasture where the septic system had imploded.  I fell on one welded wire fence panel while carrying another panel.  I landed on the panel I tripped over, and the panel I was carrying fell on top of me.

I ended up covered in deep bruises, with two sprained ankles and a broken kneecap.  Just a hairline fracture of the patella, but still...  I also re-damaged and/or damaged more severely the muscles in my right hip and leg which were still not completely healed from being thrown from my horse two years ago.  The broken tailbone that I received then, has also still not completely healed.  (And may never completely heal, from what I've read online.) 

Over the past five years, I've gained 20 pounds of weight, and I've lost the physical fitness that I had worked to maintain all my life.  Every time, I get well enough to start exercising again and begin to trim down and tone up, something else happens.  I get whiplash, I have to have abdominal surgery, I get thrown from my horse, I come down with pleurisy, I trip and break my knee.  It seems as if I will never be allowed to get healthy again.

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being sick and injured and overweight and out of shape.

This dream is quite easy to understand in light of what's been going on in my life.  I just wish that it had had a happier ending.

Art by Vladimir Vitkovsky
Clockwork World by Vladimir Vitkovsky

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

This Year is not Starting Out Well

So far in the first week of the new year, my septic system has imploded which is going to cost thousands and take over a week to repair, if it even can be repaired and doesn't have to be completely replaced, which would cost tens of thousands.  In trying to move fence panels around to keep the critters from getting mired in the imploded septic system, I fell on a fence panel while another fence panel fell on me and managed to sprain both my ankles and break my knee.  It's just a hairline fracture of the patella, but it's still painful and annoying.  And finally, my horse has come up dead lame.  Not quite three legged lame, but not far from it.

This is not a good start to the year.

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

Weird Dreams

The dream started when I was in a space suit aboard my friend Richard's space ship. I don't remember exactly how I ended up there, but it was as if they had simply come and gotten me one morning, threw me in a space suit and launched me into space. In the dream, I hadn't had a chance to take a shower before getting into the space suit and I felt all dirty and grimy. And weirdly, Richard's space ship was not aired up inside, so everybody had to stay inside their suits. Of course, you can't take a shower inside a space suit, so I knew I just had to stay dirty and grimy for as long as we were in space.

There were lots of people on board, about thirty or so. In my dream, I knew them all, but other than Richard, I don't actually know any of them in real life. But strangely, even with all these “friends” around, I still felt very isolated. The space suits effectively kept me from making contact with anyone else. I could talk to them, but I couldn't touch them. The suits were built in such a way that you couldn't even feel pressure through them.

Everyone else was very excited about being in space. I was sort of excited, but I also just felt grimy, out of place and alone, even in the midst of all these other people. And for some reason, one of the girls was trying to convince me to let her highlight my hair.

It was a very weird dream and I felt very grimy, unprepared and isolated.

Then it morphed into a sort of jousting tournament, renaissance festival sort of thing. I was supposed to be camping with my husband, but I couldn't find him. I kept wandering around trying to find him, but no one knew where he was. Someone finally told me where my tent was, and this insanely good looking young man led me and a woman and her child to our tents. The woman was falling all over herself because of how good looking the guy was, so I teased him about being treated differently because of his looks. He grinned and didn't seem to be bothered by her attention.

When he finally pointed out my tent, I went and checked and sure enough, Hubby's and my name were listed on it, but two girl's names were also listed. When I tried to get inside our tent, I ended up having to through two guy's tent where they were already asleep in a pair of hammocks. Then once I got to “my” tent, I had to get on my hands and knees and crawl into it. There was this heavy blanket like thing pressing down on my back as I crawled. It also hung down around me in such a way that I couldn't see where I was going.

I could hear the voices of the two girls that I supposed were the other two names on the tag in front of the tent, but I couldn't see anyone. I just had to keep crawling underneath that heavy blanket.

And then I woke up.

In both dreams, I felt lost, unprepared and isolated for the most part. I have to wonder what exactly is going on in my subconscious.