Tuesday, November 10, 2009


I don't want to do anything. Not read, not watch tv, not even sleep. I'm tired, I should sleep, but it all just seems so worthless. I try to get interested in things that I know that I like to do, but the depression just makes it impossible for me to even think clearly about anything. There are so many things that I know that I enjoy doing from the times when I'm not too depressed to do anything, but it just seems that lately, I'm always too depressed. I'm just tired.

Right now, things may be exacerbated by a virus or something that I seem to have. My throat is sore, my head aches and I'm pretty sure I'm running a temperature. But I've been depressed since before I started to feel sick.

I'm still having the occasional suicidal thought, but they are less frequent today. I spent most of the night watching old episodes of SYTYCD. It was a good distraction. I love that show. But I couldn't even imagine taking a dance lesson or even designing a dance costume, all I could do was lay there and watch. It's better than having to fight off suicidal thoughts, but it would be better if I could actually engage my imagination in some sort of positive direction. Ah well... I survived another night. That's something.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Being "Good" Can Be Bad for You

This post was copied from an old blog that I no longer keep up. It was originally published on March 9, 2009.

I had a dream last night that made clear to me how I've been feeling. I know most people don't need their dreams to tell them how they feel, but I've always had problems acknowledging my own feelings. Blame it on my mother. That's pretty much where I place the blame for most of my psychological problems. (Well... I can probably lay a few problems on my father... and genetics may have something to do with it...) Anyway, even though I've been working for years to let myself be aware of and feel my emotions, I still have problems admitting to myself that I feel "negative" emotions. To paraphrase my mother,"A good person doesn't get angry. A good person doesn't feel jealous. A good person will take care of everyone else and not want anything for themselves." Thus taking care of yourself, if it in any way interferes with taking care of someone else, is selfish and bad. I have trouble believing that a "good" person could survive childhood, much less adulthood. But I tried to be “good” as hard as I could.

I tried so hard to be a "good" person that it nearly killed me. (My first attempted suicide at 15 was because I believed that I wasn't a good enough person to live.) Trying to be “good” definitely left me psychologically disabled. Yes, literally, disabled. I can't function in society. I can't hold down a job. I have extreme difficulty making and maintaining friends. And even small amounts of stress can cause physiological problems like migraines and stomach issues. Some days, I can function almost normally, but other days, just leaving the house to run errands is more than I can handle. So... see what trying to be a "good" person has done to me. Nevertheless, there is a part of me that still tries to be "good". Stuff that was programmed into you with your baby food isn't gotten rid of that easily. I still automatically put other's needs before my own. Although now "others" is limited to people I actually care for. My husband for example...

Before I go further, I need to explain something about my view of money. I inherited some money from my parents when they died. It's how I've survived since I can't hold down a job. I've learned to live VERY frugally. When I finally gave up on trying to hold down a job (I tried various sorts of jobs for over 10 years, never keeping a single one for more than a few months. Most didn't last more than 3 weeks.), I decided that I would just live as frugally as possible, and when I ran out of money, I would simply kill myself. At the time, I didn't have a husband or any really close friends, so my death wouldn't really cause anyone a problem. (See, even when considering suicide, I have to make sure that I'm not causing anyone else any inconvenience. To this day, I only have one close friend beside my husband and I think she would feel more guilty at not saving me rather than sad at the loss of a friend.) So... for many years, I equated spending money with impending death. I was VERY frugal.

To continue... My husband is horse mad. I like horses, but I'm not horse mad. But my husband has always wanted a horse and his own ranch to ride his horse around on. And since he is an experienced software engineer, you would think that he makes good money and wouldn't have to worry too much about job security. So I was willing to spend a good chunk of MY money to put a down payment on twenty acres of land so that we could build a house and a barn and live my husband's dream. I was also planning to use the money from the sale of MY house(best money I ever spent) to pay off most of the construction loan for building the new house. It seemed like a good plan. However...

My husband decided he wanted his own horse now rather than later. And since, I thought that we were doing well enough financially, I went along with him. We ended up rescuing a very nice horse that had been badly neglected. We only paid $20 to buy the horse, but we've since spent close to ten thousand on vet bills, boarding fees, tack and various horse related items. My husband was in charge of these things and he was the one who paid the credit card(I take care of the mortgage, insurance, property taxes, etc...), so I didn't realize how much money he'd been spending. He'd also been spending a lot on eating out for lunch and such. And just recently, he confessed to me that we had built up a huge amount of credit card debt.

Now, I'd already been living fairly frugally because I knew that building our new house was going to be very expensive. (and because I will probably always be frugal.) And even though I knew that my husband wasn't living all that frugally, I thought that it was okay. Since he was the one making the money, he should be allowed to spend a little more of it. (Although I had been trying for months to convince him to spend less on eating out.) I figured that it wouldn't be much longer until we could build our new home, sell my house, and things would be a bit easier financially. Now, I realize that it will be years before we get ourselves enough out of debt to even consider trying to get a construction loan. All my living frugally has accomplished was to let my husband take longer before telling me how bad our credit card debt was. Now I have to live even more frugally. And I have to be the dominant one(the nagging wife, which I DON'T want to be) and insist that my husband learn how to live frugally (which admittedly he seems to finally be beginning-- just beginning-- to understand).

So... my dream... My husband and I were at some sort of get together in an outdoor restaurant. I let everyone get their food before me and when I got to the counter, the serving girl told me they were out of brisket, all they had left was some bread. So, even though I was disappointed, I took the bread and ate it while everyone else, including my husband, enjoyed their brisket. Then it was time for desert. My friend D had brought some strawberries, vanilla cream and cake. I let D and my husband get their desert, and when I got to the counter, guess what... All they had left were a few little pieces of strawberry. No cream. No cake. And I had really wanted some vanilla cream. I lost it. I screamed and threw my purse across the courtyard. My husband, holding his VERY LARGE serving of desert in his hand came over, patted my shoulder and said,"It will be okay." and went back to eating his desert. I got even more angry and grabbed my purse strap and threw it over the wall surrounding the courtyard where everyone was eating. Then knowing that even though I was infuriated, I needed to get my purse back (because no one else was going to do it), I left the courtyard to find my way around the wall and get my purse. My husband actually followed me out, but instead of trying to go find my purse, he just wanted to get in his car and go home. I ran away from him and made my way through a crowded department store to the back alley behind the wall and started looking for my purse all by myself. I searched for hours, but never found it.

It's not exactly difficult to interpret this dream. I let my husband have everything he wants even though it means that there is nothing left for me. And when it becomes apparent that there is real financial difficulty, my husband just states that,"It will be okay" without actually trying to fix anything. I'm the only one that understands that there is a real problem and that just going on with our life as usual isn't going to solve anything. I'm the one digging through the back alleys trying to salvage our finances, while hubby goes home to watch tv and play on his computer.

It's not a very nice dream. And probably not entirely fair to my husband. He is much younger than me and basically went from living with his parents to living with me. He has had neither the time nor the experience to learn as much about finances as I have. But that doesn't make me feel any better, and although it explains things, it doesn't fix them. And I'm just tired of denying myself and excusing him from his mistakes.

I'm tired of being "good".

Update 3/31/11: While we still have a fair amount of credit card debt, it is less than it was. And my husband is truly working to try and get rid of it entirely. And I have started spending a little money on things just for me. Used books don't cost much, and they make my life much more bearable.

Saturday, November 7, 2009

What to do to die today

I'm sort of starting in the middle, but that is where I am, so that is where I'll start. I'll probably add posts from the other more public blog that I have and/or explain things more coherently as I feel like it. But for now, I'm just writing to say that I'm having suicidal thoughts that are tending towards impulses, but haven't actually gotten there yet. I'm fighting to keep the depression from getting worse, but even the usually effective distraction of reading isn't really helping much. I'm not sure why the depression is acting up so much now. I suppose it could be that it's taking me so long to recover from my surgery, but I'm just about recovered now. You would think that it would have hit when I was still in a lot of pain and unable to do much, not waited until I was almost finished healing. But who knows. It could also be the changing of the seasons. My depression doesn't seem to follow the seasons that closely, but it is fall and I suppose it could be SADD. I don't think so, though. I think it's just my brain chemistry deciding to act up randomly. It's annoying. I hate it. But even though I've spent years in therapy, gotten a degree in psych, tried just about every anti-depressant out there and even tried meditation and herbal treatments, when my depression kicks in, there really doesn't seem to be anything that I can do about it. It's frustrating as hell.

That's it. That's all I really have to say right now. I'll go back to trying to read and hopefully keep myself distracted until the depression goes away.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Reflections Upon the Mirror of My Mind

I have always been fascinated by mirrors. It is easy to look around ourselves and see the reality that surrounds us, but to perceive ourselves, we must look in a mirror. However, what we see in the mirror is not reality. It is a reflection of reality, an image that has been reversed side to side and, depending on the mirror, possibly distorted in other ways. Of course, we don't exactly view reality directly either, it is filtered through the mirror of our mind. A mirror that was created by our earliest efforts to perceive the world around us and modified constantly by each perception we experience. Thus our perception of ourselves and to some extent the world around us is constantly being bounced back and forth between the mirror of our mind and the mirror of reality and we are caught between reflections as if we are within one of those “infinite” mirrors. Within that infinity of reflections exists our experience of our lives.

This blog is an effort to share what I perceive about myself and the world around me. Sometimes it may be self-pitying and whiny. I apologize for that. For me, this is a sort of therapeutic expression. A way to pry loose things that have been stuck inside my head for way too long. By throwing them out into cyberspace, I hope that it will change the reflections that I see within the mirror of my mind.