Saturday, November 7, 2009

What to do to die today

I'm sort of starting in the middle, but that is where I am, so that is where I'll start. I'll probably add posts from the other more public blog that I have and/or explain things more coherently as I feel like it. But for now, I'm just writing to say that I'm having suicidal thoughts that are tending towards impulses, but haven't actually gotten there yet. I'm fighting to keep the depression from getting worse, but even the usually effective distraction of reading isn't really helping much. I'm not sure why the depression is acting up so much now. I suppose it could be that it's taking me so long to recover from my surgery, but I'm just about recovered now. You would think that it would have hit when I was still in a lot of pain and unable to do much, not waited until I was almost finished healing. But who knows. It could also be the changing of the seasons. My depression doesn't seem to follow the seasons that closely, but it is fall and I suppose it could be SADD. I don't think so, though. I think it's just my brain chemistry deciding to act up randomly. It's annoying. I hate it. But even though I've spent years in therapy, gotten a degree in psych, tried just about every anti-depressant out there and even tried meditation and herbal treatments, when my depression kicks in, there really doesn't seem to be anything that I can do about it. It's frustrating as hell.

That's it. That's all I really have to say right now. I'll go back to trying to read and hopefully keep myself distracted until the depression goes away.

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