Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Today is a bad day

Today is a bad day... a really bad day.  I keep trying to function normally, but all the time this huge fucking weight of depression is pressing me down, down, down.  I keep having suicidal thoughts.  And not just thoughts, impulses.  I keep wondering how hard it would be  to cut my neck deeply enough so that I would bleed out quickly and relatively painlessly.  I have pain pills and muscle relaxants from when I hurt my leg, and I wonder if those are strong enough that if I swallowed both bottles with a bottle of vodka, if that would put me out of my misery permanently.

The impulses ebb and flow.  Sometimes they are easier to resist.  Sometimes, I have to really struggle not to act out the thoughts in my head. 

I wonder if my husband and my very, very few friends would be better off without me.

I wonder when I'll stop wondering and take the steps to actually find out.

Maybe not today...

But maybe...

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