Today is a bad day... a really bad day. I keep trying to function normally, but all the time this huge fucking weight of depression is pressing me down, down, down. I keep having suicidal thoughts. And not just thoughts, impulses. I keep wondering how hard it would be to cut my neck deeply enough so that I would bleed out quickly and relatively painlessly. I have pain pills and muscle relaxants from when I hurt my leg, and I wonder if those are strong enough that if I swallowed both bottles with a bottle of vodka, if that would put me out of my misery permanently.
The impulses ebb and flow. Sometimes they are easier to resist. Sometimes, I have to really struggle not to act out the thoughts in my head.
I wonder if my husband and my very, very few friends would be better off without me.
I wonder when I'll stop wondering and take the steps to actually find out.
Maybe not today...
But maybe...
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